A Match in the Water
by missmaggiemaybe
Summary: Based on the song "A Match in the Water" by Pierce the Veil, the first in a series of six. Clare was in a car accident and can barely look at herself in the mirror. She feels as though she is a pity case, and she can't take it anymore. Eli only wants Clare to know she is still beautiful. NOW COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I don't owe Degrassi or Pierce the Veil. I only own the computer I wrote this story on. Hopefully you guys will like it. It will be a multi chapter thing and reviews would help me out a lot.**

_Let's Go  
I kissed the scars on her skin  
I still think you're beautiful  
And I don't ever want to lose my best friend  
I screamed out "God you vulture,  
Bring her back or take me with her"_

Clare Edwards wanted to feel beautiful again. Whenever she glanced in the mirror, an involuntary shudder ran down her spine and brought hot tears to her eyes. She was no longer the beautiful girl Eli Goldsworthy had fallen in love with almost three years ago. Instead, she could barely look at herself in the mirror and other people thought her to be something of a charity case.

Sometimes she really hated what her life had become after the accident. It seemed like yesterday every time her eyes closed, but it had been almost a year since she was almost killed.

The accident was left up to speculation because no one really knew what happened. Clare was driving to the grocery store for some milk and another car hit her head on. All she could remember was the sound of screeching breaks, the metal being crushed, and her body being consumed by flames. None of the memories were particularly pleasant, but they haunted her every moment. The car who had hit her disappeared so no charges could ever be brought against the driver who almost ended Clare's young life.

Clare was the one who suffered, not the one who deserved to though. She has sustained numerous injuries to her body; broken ribs, damaged heart, multiple bruises and contusions, and second degree burns to over 40% of her body. The accident made her ugly in her eyes and even after the healing process, they were still burn marks and scars on her body. Clare was marked by the accident permanently, and nothing could change the disgust she felt.

She tried her best to avoid any type of reflective surface and got ready everyday without really caring. She curled her auburn hair each day with care, but because she had done it so many times, there was no need to glance in the mirror to ensure the curls looked exactly the way Eli loved them. She still wanted to be the same girl he told had pretty eyes and the girl who made him shiver with desire.

Eli always said he still saw Clare the same he always had. Clare was the only one who singled herself and made herself into some type of monster. He promised her she was still beautiful, and he would love her forever and always. But it still hurt him to see the way she viewed herself and how she would recoil from his touch whenever he tried to make love to her. Eli understood Clare needed time to work through the emotions she was going through, but it was hard to watch his blue eyed girl slip away from him each day.

"I still think you're beautiful," Eli whispered as Clare stood at the mirror with tears streaming down her face. He traced his fingers along her creamy skin and tickled her collarbone.

Clare pushed him away and wiped the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand. "No. No. No. Stop it, Eli. I can't take you lying to me and pitying me because I am a freak now-"

Eli swept Clare into his arms and tried to hold her. He wanted to erase the hatred she was feeling and remind her of his love. Clare needed love and he wanted to give it to her. All he had done for the past year was reassure her she was still beautiful, but it never seemed to be enough. Eli cried sometimes when he was alone, knowing he could not fix Clare the way she had always done for him.

He even kissed her scars, the ones he thought made her even more beautiful because they told her tale of survival. How she had made it through the accident and come out on top. At least, he felt that way at first. Clare had been so strong in the beginning, but her resolve just tumbled down and she was left being a sad, angry shell of the woman he fell in love with.

Clare stiffened at his soft lips touching her burn marks and she saw his green orbs filled with love for her. But it wasn't enough anymore. Clare could not do this anymore._  
_Eli tried holding onto Clare, but she pushed him away. She pushed him with all of her strength and said, "I am done. I can't do this anymore."

Eli stared at her because he couldn't understand what why she was being like this. The two of them had been through so much together. His Bipolar Disorder, Asher Shostack, and all the other ups and downs they had faced. Eli had been Clare's rock and she had been his. Clare was no longer making sense and it scared him.

Then, it hit Eli right in his chest and almost brought him to his knees. Clare was leaving, and he was losing his best friend. The worst case scenario had come to be, and he had no way to stop her from leaving.

Eli watched as Clare silently packed her belongings and refused to even glance in his direction. She was just throwing things into her bag, her curls swinging back and forth as she moved quickly to pack her items. He sat down on their bed and watched as she removed every trace of her existence from their bedroom.

When she was finished, Clare placed a gentle kiss on his cheek and whispered, "I am going to stay with my mom for awhile. I promise I will call you in a few days." With that, she was gone.

Eli stared into the place where her makeup used to be, and he felt the tears running down his cheeks. Hot, angry tears and he didn't try to stop them. The release felt good...felt better than watching Clare walk out the door. But the anger was bubbling beneath t he surface and he couldn't contain it anymore.

He stared up at the ceiling and screamed, "God, you vulture, bring her back or take me with her." Eli, who didn't believe in God, was screaming at nothing, but the release felt. He glanced around the room at the emptiness of Clare and the anger got even worse.

_Clare left. Clare left. Clare left_. A little voice taunted him. _And she is probably never coming back._

Eli shut the voice out by destoying every memory of Clare in their bedroom.


	2. Chapter 2

_Tear it down  
Break the barricade  
I wanna see what sound it makes  
I hate this flavor with a passion and I fucking hate the aftertaste_

Eli needed to numb the pain. The voice in his head kept reminding him Clare was gone and Eli had been the one to drive her away. He had stood by her after the accident—when everyone told him Clare may have a hard time for awhile, he believed them. Eli understood hard times and feeling like you are your own worst enemy. He had been through it in high school with Love Roulette and trying to getting Clare back. Eli went to a very dark place he never thought he would escape, but therapy and meds helped. He learned to get better for himself and in turn was able to be a better person.

He wanted to fix Clare. Protect her and love her...to do whatever she needed so she would be his Clare again and not some angry, bitter stranger. Their lives had changed after the accident because Clare had become someone he didn't know. But she was going through therapy , and everyone said she would get better.

Now Clare was gone and he had no one. So he did the only thing he knew in this kind of situation, he picked up a pen and started writing.

Clare wasn't going to her mom's house. While she loved Helen and visiting her childhood home, it would feel weird going there when she was having problems with Eli. Her mother would be way too concerned and would hover over Clare. She was not really in the mood to deal with her mother being overbearing, the way she had been since the accident. Everyone treated her like a freak and she was sick of it. She was a woman with scars all over her body and a menagerie of issues to big to even think about at the moment. Clare needed a plan. A good solid plan to inform Eli she was adamant about the decision to leave and nothing would c

hange her mind.

Instead, Clare drove to her step brother's apartment and let herself in with they key he left under the mat. The apartment smelled of chicken and guy, totally reminscent of Jake Martin. Clare smiled at the small fact and put her things in the spare bedroom. Jake lived in a modest two bedroom apartment right outside of downtown Toronto with a decent view and affordable rent. He also told Clare she was always welcome because they were family. He also meant Eli was welcome, but that was not a concern for Clare any longer.

Clare sat down on the double bed in the guest bedroom and ran her hands along the green plaid comforter. She focused on the softness of the material and tried to ignore the small scars on her hand. As long as there was anything else to think about, she would be okay.

Eli wasn't even a fleeting thought. Not one bit. Not his stark green eyes or his lanky hands. Definitely not his hair which he had let grow really long because Clare said she wanted to see what it would look like. It brushed the nape of his neck and curled outwards so softly. Clare would often run her hands along his neck to feel the edges of his hair and kiss him because she could. None of that mattered anymore because she needed to move on with her life.

She had built up this barricade to keep everyone out. There was way too much pity in everyone's eyes and too much pretending to understand what she was going through. Clare was tired of the bullshit and needed some reality. Jake would definitely tell her how it was and give her some much needed perspective.

"You should remember to close the door so I don't assume robbers are trying to steal my stuff," Jake said as a way of greeting, interrupting Clare's thoughts.

Clare looked up and smiled at her step brother. "Maybe I am a robber and you need to stop leaving your door open."

Jake grinned. "I could take you on if you are attempting to rob me. But it looks like you are just crashing her instead."

Clare glanced at her suitcases and nodded. "I couldn't take it anymore. So I told Eli I needed some space. So here I am."

Jake raised an eyebrow and frowned. "What do you mean, Clare?"

Clare sighed. "I am tired of Eli pretending to still love me..."

"How could you even think, let alone say, such a thing?" Jake asked, sounding rather angry. "Eli has been there for you through everything. He does love you. Stop being so selfish and realize the people around you only want what is best for you. We are all worried about you, Clare."

Clare wanted to scream. No one understood what she was going through. She really was alone in dealing with everything.

The sound of shattering glass made Eli realize he was trying to destroy the wall Clare had built around herself this past year. His rationality was if he destroyed all the items which reminded him of Clare, he would forget about her and maybe she would forget about him. He could tear down the huge barricade she placed around herself and shut the world out. Eli was the one she shut out the most, and he tried his damnedest to break through. When he said forever, he meant it. Clare was the one who changed her mind. Why was he the one left suffering then?

The sound of the glass was his way of tearing down her wall and hearing the sound it made. There was so much noise at first, but then he was engulfed by the silence. In reality, the silence was the only sound Clare had provided him with this past year.

_I love you, Clare._

_ You still have the prettiest eyes I have ever seen._

_ My, my Clare Edwards. You are going to make one man very happy someday. And that someday is today and that lucky bastard is me._

_ Clare, you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Nothing will ever change that._

Clare couldn't stop thinking about Eli. She hated herself for it. Mostly she was thinking about the way he always drank the milk straight from the carton and how much she hated the taste of the dairy product. She hated how Eli would drink from the milk carton and she always told him to use a glass.

He would look into her blue eyes with his own green and reply, "Never." He always did it with a smile, but it made her crazy.

She shouldn't even be thinking about Eli. She had left him and was trying to figure out a greater plan for what to do next. Maybe she would just get on a plane and see where she ended up. Travel the world and pretend she was an anonymous girl, not the freak who survived the terrible car accident.

No, it was not that easy. Eli was still a part of her. Even when she wanted to hate him, she was thinking about all of his stupid habits.

Tears started to freely flow down her face as she thought of her love who knew she hated flavored milk and she swore she could taste the disgusting aftertaste of milk in her mouth. Maybe not. Maybe she was just pretending so she had a way to keep holding onto Eli.


	3. Chapter 3

_How does it feel  
(How does it feel?)  
How does it feel well it feels like I'm on fire  
Wake up I know you can hear me_

**One Year Earlier, Late August**

Clare Edwards wanted to strangle Eli Goldsworthy for drinking up the last of the milk, literally the day after she made the usual monthly trip to the supermarket. She had even bought two cartons of milk to prevent any last minute trips she usually had to make. But Eli had consumed the first carton as soon as she unpacked all of the groceries and put them away. Then once again, he drank the second carton today while he was writing another draft of his play, The play that would break him into the indie theatre scene and make him someone.

She had planned a romantic night of watching a movie and having a nice candlelit dinner, a surprise for Eli. He would be going back to New York in a week and she would not see him again until Thanksgiving. The arrangement was not her favorite, but she knew NYU meant everything to Eli. It did make their relationship difficult at times, but he always promised they would make it through anything life tossed their way. After all, they weren't Romeo and Juliet.

"Are you sure you don't want me to run to the supermarket for the milk? I am the one who consumed it all," Eli asked Clare as she was trying to find her car keys.

He was leaning against the counter in her kitchen and looking adorable with his freshly cut hair and work out clothes. Eli had just come back from a run to find Clare had been setting up a dinner date for them, and he wanted to jump in the shower so he wouldn't feel so gross.

Clare ran a hand through her long auburn curls and shook her head. "No, Eli. You need to stay here and make sure the chicken is marinating in the oven properly. I am going to run to the store and buy all the milk they have to prevent this from happening." She finally found her keys and held them up in victory. "Okay, I am running to the store right now and will be back very soon."

She began to sprint out the door, but Eli caught her and wrapped his arms around her waist. He smiled at her, the corner of his eyes crinkling up in that sexy way of his. "I love you, Clare Edwards and I will see you very soon." He smirked his signature smirk and gave her a kiss which made her toes curl from desire.

Breathlessly, she replied, "I love you too," and rushed out the door to make her quick trip to the store. She was so excited about the prospective date with Eli, she never even noticed the car coming headfirst towards her.

Clare was on fire. She felt the flames all over body and she could hear the terrible sound the metal made as it was crushed. The brakes screeched. So many noises and sensations to perceive, but she could only feel the flames. Her eyes saw the world as upside down and her whole body was one big torch. She was going to die and that was final. There would be no second chances or any kind of goodbyes to her loved ones. The flames were going to consume her whole and leave nothing but a pile of ashes.

She couldn't understand how she gotten here. Her mind was a little fuzzy. She remembered the smell of Eli's sweaty body and her quest for something at the store. However, it was hard to piece everything together when she wasn't really sure what was happening anymore. The world had gone topsy turvy and she was on fire. Above all, Clare Edwards was going to die. Die alone in this stupid car because someone hit her.** Someone had hit her**. Another piece of the puzzle was beginning to fall into place. A car had come at her head-on and she'd had no time to react. She tried, but her brakes screeched too late and the sound of crushing metal filled her ears. If the world was upside down, her car must have flipped. The impact had been so bad, her car had been turned upside down. If she had suffered this extensive damage, the perpetrator of the accident must be in really bad shape as well. Maybe it was an accident and they had not known they were going to hit her. Someone who had been distracted for a moment, long enough to alter Clare's life forever. But they could not be feeling the same flames she was. These alone were for Clare. The silence too. So much silence. Where was God? She had never felt more alone in her life.

"Miss? Can you hear me?" A faraway voice brought Clare back from the silence. A male voice she had never heard before. Perhaps that was what God said when one died. Can you hear me? No one heard God while they were alive, maybe he was getting them accustomed to hearing him in the afterlife.

"God..." Clare whispered, her voice hoarse.

"I am Kyle, I am an EMT and we are here to help you. We are going to get you out of the car and take you to the hospital. Everything is going to be alright," the male voice reassured her with a gentle tone.

God's name was Kyle apparently. Who knew?

Before Clare could respond again, the car door was being taken off and Clare was being lifted from the car with utmost gentleness. She was placed on a stretcher with a neck brace and told she was being taken to the hospital. A flurry of activity was going on around her and she could barely register everything that was happening at once. There was still pain all over body, but it wasn't as strong. She could block out the pain and think about Eli. Eli. Eli...

Eli would wonder where she was. Clare had promised she would be right back and now he probably wondered what had happened to her. In his wildest dreams he could not have anticipated his girlfriend would be struggling to stay alive.

"Miss? Can you hear me still? Miss, how does it feel?"

It feels like I'm on fire...

Now it sounded as though Clare was underwater. She tried to respond, but the darkness beneath her lids was so much more welcoming...

"Wake up. I know you can hear me." Eli stared at Clare with glassy eyes and gently nudged her sleeping form. She was in the hospital, attached to machines and covered in bandages. The doctors said she was in a coma because her body needed to heal from all the trauma she had sustained in the accident.

The accident which never should have happened. Clare was supposed to go to the store and come home. Not almost lose her life because of some bastard. The guy or gal who did the damage was nowhere to be found. It was like Clare was involved in an accident all her own. The police thought it may have happened at first, but the damage sustained to the vehicle showed another driver must have hit her straight on. It made Eli's blood boil a person could do so much damage and not even have the decency to stick around. Lives had been changed that day and Clare was the one left with her life to fight for.

Eli held her limp hand tighly and screamed, "WAKE UP! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!"

the nurse rushed in to find the cause of screaming and found Eli sobbing next to Clare, his body placed over hers. The nurse placed a soft hand on his shoulder and said, "It will be alright... She can hear you and would love for you to be next to her. If you are really careful, you can lie next to her for awhile."

Eli said nothing, but climbed carefully to wrap himself around Clare and keep her safe. He fell asleep this way and no one tried to remove him.

When Clare finally awoke, his face was the first face she saw.

"Eli..." she said, trying to get her voice back.

Eli just wrapped his arms around her tightly an whispered, "We will get through this Clare. I love you more than anything. I will never leave you."


	4. Chapter 4

_Make me a promise here tonight  
Love like a tidal wave  
Dreamless in early graves, I never want it to be this way  
The chemicals will bring you home again  
This is it, when it's done we can say that  
When it's sudden death we fight back_

Oh yeah, pretend like I don't entice you  
I've seen you circling the sky above my head  
You traitor! 

"You need to call Eli."

Jake Martin kept pestering his step sister Clare about calling her boyfriend, but she pretended to be oblivious to anything Jake mentioned related to Eli. Clare wanted to only focus on long sleeves she was wearing to cover her scars and the amazement she hadn't thought about her scars for almost a minute. Of course, it did not last very long as she glanced at a particularly nasty one between her thumb and forefinger. She felt like ripping off the scars on her skin and finding a way to start over again.

Clare had been in therapy for months following the accident, but it was hard to gauge if she had really made any progress during the last year. The doctor said she was doing better when she had stopped blaming herself for the accident, but wasn't doing better in the sense she had grown to hate herself. It was no lie. Clare Edwards had developed this deep sense of hatred for herself which went down to her very core. She could never look in the mirror and was fixated on her scars all of the time. The disgust she felt for herself was so deep, it often got in the way of real life.

_She recalled waking up right after the accident, and Eli was there. He was sleeping and she smiled when she saw him. She realized he had probably been there everyday she had been in hospital and it brought her comfort. Clare and Eli had encountered so many trials and tribulations, it felt good knowing Eli was going to be there through this latest ordeal._

_"You're finally awake,"Eli said in his sleepy voice and yawned. He leaned over and took his hand in Clare's, slowly intertwining their fingers. "I love you."_

_ Clare went to reply, but she could only see the bandages covering her skin and the other bruised skin peeking from beneath._

_ "What happened to me?"_

Nothing had been the same since the moment when she saw herself and realized she was going to be a freak for the rest of her life. Something unexplainable had shifted in Clare, which led her to being alone today. It was better this way though. Eli was only making it harder for her to just be anymore, so she needed to end things. Eli would be better off in the long run because he would be free of the nasty, scarred mess that had become Clare Edwards.

At least, that was the rationality in Clare's mind.

She stared at her phone resting on her nightstand, the screen still containing the picture from her birthday last year. She still looked normal and Eli looked handsome as usual. He had his arms around her and she was smiling at something off screen. Clare picked up the phone, scrolled through to her settings and deleted the photo as her wallpaper.

Then Clare did something unexpected; she dialed the number so her number would be blocked and took Jake's advice.

Clare finally called Eli.

Eli was wasted. He never drank to this extreme, but what was the point when Clare had left? He no longer gave a damn so he called up Adam and they went out. It was just some hole in the wall bar not that far from the apartment Clare and Eli had once shared. The bartender was very generous with his servings of alcohol and let Eli open a tab. So Eli planned to drink until he was seeing black and pay off the tab when he was feeling a little less badly about himself. The alcohol was a very nice distraction and it made the world fuzzy as it traveled through his veins. More drinks meant less thoughts of Clare. The goal of the night was to forget about Clare and maybe find some woman to take his mind other places. It wouldn't be cheating since Clare left. Eli was super single and needed someone to keep his mind from those dark thoughts slowly creeping in.

Eli was about to take another long sip of the bitter alcohol when his phone began to buzz. He watched the screen light up with the "caller unknown" screen and contemplating ignoring the call altogether. This was his night to get fucked up and forget about Clare.

Adam glanced at his best friend and said, "Is Clare calling?"

Eli drunkenly shook his head no and then answered the phone. "Hello?" he said, his words slurring together more and more. "Who is this?"

There was only the sound of breathing and then, "Eli."

Just his name, but it was enough. Clare. Clare had called him on this nights of all nights, and he could feel himself slowly breaking down. He wasn't ready to handle hearing her voice after almost a week of being apart. She sounded happy...happy without him around.

"Eli... I am sorry about everything and I-"

He finally found his voice, a very drunk and angry Eli voice. "This is bullshit, Clare. You have been me through so much this past week and now you call me. You know what? Forget you. I am at a bar getting drunk off my ass, ready to fuck the living daylights out of someone who is not **you**." he emphasized the last word with as much animosity as a drunken Eli could muster.

Clare was silent for a few long moments and then spoke, "I didn't know you felt that way, Eli."

"Tell me how I am supposed to feel when you rip my heart out again. Seriously. Tell me because I want to fucking know, Clare." He picked up the glass with gusto and downed the rest of the liquor, feeling it hit the hollow cavern of his chest with full force.

Silence. "Make me a promise here tonight."

Eli motioned for another drink and almost dropped his phone in the process. He was really feeling the effects of drinking and Adam was watching him carefully, waiting to hear how this conversation would play out. God, what had Eli and Clare become? For them, love was like a tidal wave. It hit with full force and often left some damage behind when things got rough. Eli even compared being with Clare in the hard times to like being dreamless in an early grave, you knew you were dead and in trouble, but you weren't sure of the full repercussions quite yet.

"...I never want it to be this way, Eli..." Clare was talking, but he was barely paying attention. A plethora of thoughts was running through his mind, and Clare had become background noise. Eli realized he had way too much to drink and these chemicals were messing with his mind. Instead of making him want to find some girl to ravish, the chemicals were threatening to bring him home.

Clare sighed, "Have you heard anything I have said at all, Eli?"

Eli said, "No."

Clare laughed in an angry way. "Of course not. I don't matter to you. You only pity me. Now you are going to find some beautiful girl and love her more than you could ever love me."

Her words stung Eli more than he could ever describe. He loved Clare with his whole being and she could never just be replaced. Never.

"This is it, Clare. Tell me you don't love me and I will leave you alone. Tell me I meant nothing and you don't regret leaving..." Eli was slowly beginning to sound more sober and pushed away his latest drink with his hand. "When it's done, we can say we tried. But I can't handle not hearing the truth from you."

Clare paused for a long moment. This was sudden death for them. Time to fight back or let go of everything they had worked for. " I said I was all in, Eli. I meant it. Forever and always. I will come home tonight... tell me where you are so I can come get you."

Eli felt the world fall back into place and all he could say at the moment was, "You have pretty eyes, Clare Edwards."

Later that night, Clare stood in front of her bathroom mirror shaking. She was completely nude and stared at the scars all over he body. She was trying to face her demons and get better for herself. She was back home, and Eli was asleep in the bedroom. He reeked of alcohol, but she was glad to have him near. Her emotions were a mess, but she knew she loved Eli. She wanted to be with Eli for the rest of her life. She had been kidding herself by trying to leave him. He had stood by her and she was damned lucky.

She ran her hands over the puckered skin from the burns and tears filled her eyes. She was so disgusting, how could Eli bare to touch her?

When Clare went to turn off the light and return to bed, she heard a old familiar voice. "Oh yeah, pretend like I don't entice you, Clare Edwards. Remember how it felt?"

It was the voice she tried to shut out after the accident. Clare was having a hard time dealing with everything so in order to relieve tension, she took a few extra pills. No big deal. Just an extra two or three here or there.

Now it was calling to her again. Just a few pills to numb the self hatred she was feeling. There was no harm in that, right? She would take a couple of the pills she kept hidden for emergencies. She would ignore the voice, and the way it told her it had been watching her circling around the pills like bird in the sky, waiting for the perfect time to swoop down and consume.

"You traitor," Clare whispered to her reflection as she swallowed a handful of pills.


	5. Chapter 5

_I will never be taken for granted again  
Keep digging holes in the desert  
Say a prayer for you  
I know that you're in pain but if we die at the same time does it still scare you?  
_

Three weeks. Three long weeks and Eli Goldsworthy wanted nothing more than to believe Clare was going to be okay once again. She was no longer the angry, bitter Clare she had been in the accident, but she wasn't the same Clare he had fallen in love with. He understood people changed, but there was just something about his blue eyed girl which didn't seem right anymore. She was still the sweet Clare, but there was a haziness about her personality. It seemed as though Clare was viewing the world through a different lenses than anyone else, but Eli would take that over the previous Clare who had left him. This new and improved Clare was very attentive and loving. Perhaps a little too much, but she said it was just because she was happy to have Eli back. Why wouldn't he believe her? Clare had never kept major secrets from him.

Clare was trying to make him dinner, but he insisted they just order a pizza and spend some time together. It was more than enough for them to be together, she did not need to make him some grand dinner or anything of the sort. Eli was just glad to be spending time with Clare in the home they made together.

But he still had lingering thoughts in the back of his mind...what was with going on with the drastic personality change in Clare all of the sudden? Was it here to stay or would she change her mind again?

One. Two. Three.

Three pills for the evening. Clare set them up in a row along the edge of the sink and smiled at them. The little pills made life so much better; she was able to put on a happy face and love Eli the way he deserved. She had hurt him way too much and now she needed to rectify the wrongs she had done by him.

"Clare?" Eli called out, gently tapping on the bathroom door to get her attention.

Clare felt her heart begin to race, staring between the pills and the door. She was starting to panic inside and her chest was tightening. There was only one solution. Clare picked up the pills in her hand as fast as she could and swallowed them dry. Then she straightened her cinnamon colored curls in the mirror and put on her happy face.

"Eli," Clare replied with a smile as she opened the door. She could never get over how handsome he was with those piercing green eyes and long black hair that swooped so nicely over his face. She even loved how he had let it get longer than he ever had it,because she had asked him to grow it out.

Eli smirked and said, "I was wondering if you had snuck out the window and left again." It was supposed to be a joke, but the hurt he still felt could be heard in his words. Even he felt awkward at the silence he had caused between them and pulled Clare to him. "But I see you were just hiding out instead."

Clare shook her head and buried herself in his chest, breathing in his familiar scent. She reached her hand up to play with his guitar pick necklace and said, "I am not going anywhere, Eli. I was just fixing my makeup and got distracted. I'm sorry."

Sorry. How many times had she said the word in the past three weeks? More times than either of them could count, but she meant it every single time. She was sorry for what she had put him through and sorry for how badly she was damaged. Clare would never be exactly the same...and that was why she owed the biggest apology to Eli. Never again would he find the Clare whose glasses he mangled or the Clare who played the Juliet to his Romeo, with a kiss that changed everything. That Clare died when the car crash happened.

Clare felt the pills begin to take effect and the world was a little blurry. It was a nice blur with soft edges and vibrant colors. She was still aware of what was happening in the world around her, but the anger she felt inside ceased to exist. She was numb, in a way, to all of the bad in the world and could focus on being happy for Eli. Clare rationalized the past year had been hard on Eli so she needed to do whatever was necessary to make sure he was happy again. Eli had endured so much the past years she had known him- Julia's death, crashing Morty, his bipolar diagnosis—Clare needed to be his rock to make up for all of her failings.

"What are you thinking about?" Eli asked, trying to figure out why she seemed so distant and why the haziness was filling her eyes once again.

Clare bit her lip and smiled. "I am thinking about having fun with you," she replied in a sultry voice and led him over to their bed.

The thoughts both of them were having ceased to matter for the time being. For now, Clare and Eli only focused on each other.

"I will never be taken for granted again."

Clare thought about what Eli had said the night she had come back home. He had been drunk, but his words had a sobering truth to them. Eli told her that he had stood by her when she was going through recovery like she had done for him. They had been partners in everything, but Clare just gave up for no reason. It was unfair when he had been trying so hard for Clare to shut him out the way she had. Clare had taken him and his love for granted, and he would not go through it again. Eli had said he was always going to love Clare, but he would not allow her to treat him so poorly. So things between them would have to change or he would be the one to leave. Clare never thought Eli would say anything so disconcerting, but she didn't know how to change who she had become. When she started taking the pills again, Clare thought she had found the solution to her problem.

Nothing was ever that simple though. Now that Clare was taking a combination of pain pills and mood stabilizers in attempt to fix herself, she was also making things more difficult. She had to find ways to get the pills online and make sure she got the packages before Eli suspected anything. Most of all, Clare had to ignore the newest voice in her head. A little voice which whispered over and over again.

**Death is the easiest solution...take a few extra pills and you will never hurt Eli again.**

** Death is the easiest solution...take a few extra pills and you will never hurt Eli again.**

** Death is the easiest solution...take a few extra pills and you will never hurt Eli again.**

Clare wished she was ignoring the voice, but it began to make sense to her the more she thought about it. Just a few extra pills and she would fall into a deep sleep, never to awake again. Eli would realize he was better off without Clare and move on with his life. It made a lot of sense, didn't it? Clare was just digging her own hole a little earlier than expected, a little hole in the desert where no one would find her. Eli would be free and Clare would never hurt him again.

She had a lot to think about. If she did go through with the few extra pills... she would be going against what the world of God said. She would be killing herself and damning herself to hell. Could she live with that? Maybe God wasn't real or he didn't care anymore. If he cared, Clare would have never been in the accident or gone through all the pain of this past year. God had turned against Clare so she would turn against the lies she had been taught her whole life. She reached up and ripped the golden cross from around her neck, throwing it across the room.

Say a prayer for you...the church she had once belonged to had told her that over and over again. They would say a prayer for Clare, to help her and heal her. It was too late though, no prayers could save Clare Edwards now.

Carefully, Clare sat down at the kitchen table and began to compose her final letter to Eli.

_**Eli, I will always love you. Please don't blame yourself what has happening. All of this is my **__**fault. I mean it. You are a good person and deserve better than I can ever give you. We were never Romeo and Juliet... I was always trying to be good enough for you, but it never worked out that way. If we were to both die at the same time, the pain would still exist for those we love. I am doing this to spare you from my failings. I don't want to hurt you anymore. **_

_** I know you are in pain, but if we both die at the same time, does it still scare you?**_

_** Clare**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/n: This is the final chapter for this story. I wanted to thank everyone who followed and reviewed. I am going to continue to write Eclare stories and hope everyone enjoys them :) so thanks to :**_

**alicia4568**

**Degrazzi 9**

**amanchaa**

**ShyPrincessgurl**

**degrassifangirl13**

**degrassix3**

**Its a Phase**

**itsemilyxD**

**MakingFrenchFriesInTheSnow**

**sinsangle**

**The Cliffhanger Girl**

**thesidkidd**

**VannHazel**

_She's mine!  
You stay away from her it's not her time  
'Cause baby I'm the one who haunts her dreams at night  
Until she's satisfied  
_

The house was eerily silent when Eli came home from his day of classes at university. He had just spent all day reading British Romantic Novels and listening to an outdated professor lecture about the death of theatre in 1989. It had been a bad day for Eli and he only wanted to come home to see Clare. But she wasn't sleeping the couch the way she usually was or curled up reading a vampire novel.

There was just silence. Way too much silence for something to not be wrong.

Eli threw down his backpack and began calling Clare's name. When she did not respond, the dread he felt began to get worse and he ran to their bedroom. There he found Clare lying on the bed with her arm draped over her head, but something was wrong. The position of her body was unnatural and she was holding a piece of cream colored paper in her pale hand, a hand hanging off the edge of the bed, but still clutching the note.

No. No. No. This was not happening.

Eli rushed over to Clare and picked up the paper. His eyes read the words and he shook his head over and over. Clare would never kill herself. There was no way. She would never do something so stupid and careless. She was better than that. This had to be some kind of sick mistake.

Eli leaned over Clare and found she was still breathing. Her breath was shallow and labored, but she was still alive. His Clare was still alive and he would not lose again. Eli quickly got his cell out of his pocket and dialed 911.

"Please hurry...it's my girlfriend. She tried to kill herself, but she is still breathing. I need an ambulance...please..."

Clare's eyes fluttered open and she was staring up at the bright fluorescent lights of the hospital. She had realized she wasn't dead when the smell of antiseptic and sickness hit her nose. She remembered the smell from her last hospital visit, and it always made her sick to her stomach. Speaking of stomachs, hers felt raw and her mouth tasted funny. She licked her dry lips and tried to get up, but found she could barely move her body.

Once again, Clare Edwards had failed. She had defied death twice. The first time was pure luck, this second time was pure hell. She had wanted to die, but it hadn't worked out that way for her. Instead she was in this hospital bed, feeling like she had been hit by a car. Ha ha ha. She was so funny, because she had already been hit by a car and this felt way worse in her opinion. Now she could even make jokes about feeling like death because she had almost been there, twice.

Something was missing. There was Eli waiting for her to wake up. There was only a silence and a nurse reading a magazine.

When the nurse realized Clare was awake, she took Clare's vitals and said, "You are very lucky to be alive. Be thankful your friend found you when he did. Another few minutes and it would have been too late for you."

Clare just blinked at the nurse, thinking, "Well, I am pretty sure I didn't want to be alive. Seeing as though I tried to kill myself." She did not dare saying anything out loud. Clare just looked at the nurse without expression and then closed her eyes again.

Why wasn't Eli here?

When Clare opened her eyes again, there was another nurse and a floral arrangement on her bedside table. The room smell of sickly sweet flowers and hospital. In fact, there were flowers everywhere. It was kind of depressing to be surrounded by so many flowers but yet be all alone. Clare wanted to be out of this stupid hospital bed and be alone. She had everything planned all out. To not be alive, but that did not happen. It made her so mad that she could not do one simple thing right. Eli had to come home at just that time and find her. He could not have been late the way he normally was. Of course not...

Death was a cruel bastard. He had tried to take away Clare twice and failed. The first time, it was not her time. In fact, neither one was her time. The second time was by Clare's own hand, which is something Eli was still trying to comprehend. She had seemed fine the last few weeks, giving no indication anything could be wrong at all. Eli had gotten the impression everything was great for Clare again, and she was on the road to recovery. He had been in therapy for long enough to know he could not fix other people, that he only could only improve himself. It was so hard to fathom though when it applied to Clare. He loved her more than words could possibly describe, but she did not seem to realize it. Instead, Clare had believed her death would make him happy. The time when they were apart was almost impossible for Eli to make it through. How could Clare believe a lifetime without her would even be possible for him?

She's mine! You stay away from her, it's not her time. You fucking bastard. Eli's thoughts to Death every time he thought about what Clare had done to herself. The way she was barely breathing and the note she wrote to say goodbye. Clare belonged to Eli, not death. She was still alive, showing up death twice. Clare still had a whole life ahead of her... Eli and her still had to get married, have a family, and make a lifetime of memories. There was no way Eli would miss out on all those momentous occasions with Clare. Eli made it his mission to make sure Clare recovered. He would do whatever it took to make sure Death came nowhere near her. It wasn't Clare's time to go, it was just the beginning of her life.

Clare refused to speak for months. She was placed in in-patient program in a mental health facility with an emphasis on helping her make a recovery. But the girl with the auburn curls and blue eyes wouldn't say a word. She just looked through whoever was talking to her and pretended they did not exist. She wouldn't even give away a hint of emotion, but she was still getting out of bed everyday. She still got dressed and did her hair. There was some part of Clare still functioning, but another part which did not want to speak.

With every day that passed, her family feared Clare would never recover. She would never smile again or speak in that sweet voice of hers. There was something inside of Clare which had shut down and needed to be found again. Her doctor sat with her each day and asked her questions, various questions about life. No answer.

Eli isn't here. Clare thought about that every day when he wasn't by her side at every moment. He came to visit her each day, but he could not stay with her all of the time. She wanted him by her side. Actually, Clare wanted to go home and sleep in her own bed. But they said because she wouldn't talk, they could not allow her to go home. She was still a harm to herself. She needed treatment for the pills she had been consuming and the suicidal thoughts which had flooded her mind. Clare didn't talk because she didn't want to justify herself to people who did not understand. All she needed was to be out of this ridiculous hospital and back home with Eli.

Today was the day she would talk to Eli. She had done her hair extra carefully with a headband to match her eyes. She wore the dress Eli said made her look sexy and wore her favorite matching flats. She made sure she looked like the Clare Eli had always loved.

Eli showed up at his usual time, holding another book for her to read and wearing his famous smirk. He had finally cut his hair and Clare wanted nothing more to run her fingers along the back of his neck, to feel the warm skin and the hair tickle her fingers.

"Clare Edwards, you look stunning today," Eli remarked and placed the book on the table in front of Clare.

Clare stared down at her hands, tracing her fingers over her scars. She loved the sound of Eli's voice so much. She could listen to it forever on repeat. Her own voice didn't seem to exist, she heard everything in her head as some kind of weird monotone. Clare had lost her voice completely.

"You always look stunning though," Eli continued, sitting down across from her. He held out his hand and she allowed him to hold her hand. Her ran his thumb along her hand and told Clare about the life she was missing. He talked about how much he missed waking up next to her and how they needed to plan a trip to New York City very soon. Eli made all of this plans, talked about forever. It was a nice feeling for Clare to have him by her side.

Then Clare Edwards did something no one expect, she kept hold of Eli's hand, but she stood up. She walked over to where he was sitting and helped him up. He looked very confused and was rendered speechless. It was the most interaction he had gotten from Clare in months. In her eyes, he saw the Clare he fell in love with and the Clare he wanted to spend his future with. She had come back to him from the dark edge of death. His blue eyed girl had returned to him. It seemed too good to be true, but it was really happening.

Clare smiled her first real smile in a long time and gently placed her lips against Eli's. The kiss lasted for only a minute, but it was pure perfection.

"Eli," Clare's first word in almost four months. His name, only his name. But it was more than enough.

Clare really did want to get better, but it was impossible to ignore the little voice that whispered in her ear sometimes. Really, it was rare. Clare could usually tune it out, but not tonight. She saw the pills sitting on the table, someone must have pretended to take their meds and just left them out on the table. She wondered how a nurse hadn't noticed.

She wouldn't...But. Just once. Clare snatched up the pills and swallowed them. Immediately she felt the familiar calm settle through her veins.

The voice whispered oh so sweetly...

**Baby, I am the one who haunts your dreams at night...at least til you're satisfied...**

Just a few pills now and then couldn't hurt right? It was like putting a match into water. It would never burn, just exist. Clare would just exist with the pills to help her through.

What's the worst that could happen...again?

**End**


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